I found it comical as I went to write under this title “About”. The word seemed more perfect than recognized previously. It gives the sense that it is about me, therefore not exactly me, but about. And that’s the message. Anything said is not exactly true, not that it is untruthful, just not complete. Inherently so. Words, though they have the power to carry life through magnificent understanding and exploration, will only ever just be able to be about something, but never saturate the fullness of that something in its entirety. And the beauty of it all is that we are the chance to experience, to be the experience, to live fully saturated in our entirety. Conceptual reality is one adventure, one truth, one dimension, but to live as though it is the only one…well, we get to decide, we choose our own adventure.
“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.” ― Albert Einstein
On my first business card I gave myself the title Human. Funny enough I am in the same position nearly 20 years later. Time has rendered advanced degrees and career specialization, yet still I find Human the most fitting.
Reflecting back, it seems an unconscious drive undoubtedly orchestrated my moves through much of my life, which I now recognize looks a lot like a quest for some holy grail. Long story short, I did discovery it was holey…but somehow holy too.
Life in its entirety is connecting to it all. Connecting to it all, the fullness of everything, is the quest. It is the holy grail.
Life lived with nothing in between. That is the practice. A dance to disconnect, reconnect and interconnect. To truly live. To love as love. Balance is never static, balance exists because of motion. The edge upon which I balance is my adventure, my life, my love. I began this venture, in which at its heart is a space to balance, wildly so. A coming home, home to life.
At its most basic, it really is simply about just being in the now, present to the moment. All that vogue hippy mindfulness east meets west shit…well, damn…though I’ll keep my critic in good company; she’s part of my truth too. To be present in life, truly present with nothing in between, however, usually is not experienced simply, regardless of its simplicity of nature. It takes work, hard work, boldness and bravery. It takes heart, softness, and understanding. It takes trust. It demands truth. And though it may not be apparent throughout the process, it truly is my greatest love. And dare I say…simple.
Now let me be straight. It may come off through my way with words that my life floats on a pink cloud of grace, where I embrace the ebb and flow of life, caressing pain and joy with equanimity and divine elegance. I am subject to the same structures of ego, superego, soul child and the plethora of other constructs life has deemed necessary for survival at some point of another. I have not been immune to the difficulties life bares upon us all at some point, in some form. I was sexually abused as child for many years by an extended family member, which ultimately started me out on my quest as a healer from a very young age as a means of survival. In my 20’s and early 30’s health diagnoses shattered my life, sending me into some of my darkest days, months and years. As I neared the completion of my graduate studies, I received a phone call that dropped me to my knees and plummeted my soul even deeper, my father had committed suicide. My soul mate was ripped from my life, my heart knew only despair.
My life has been sculpted by the laughter, but even more so by the tears. Such has been my doorway into this work. And the truth is that the more I do this work the more I full heartedly would not trade in one day; it is not void of sadness and it is not always abundant with joy, but it has brought me here. I have traveled the world both inner and outer looking for the place that is just right here. This life is my chance to partake in this endless discovery of what this living stuff is all about, it is endless and it is not easy, but placed along the way are also unfathomable treasures that want to be found.